Underwater Microphone Blues

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I’m in the doctor’s office. On the counter, next to the sink is a collection of colorful circles in clear plastic square packages. Condoms. Exactly what I’ve been looking for.

Let me back up. I’m producing a podcast, Mariculture Minute (you can find it at kelpshow.com). The podcast is about salmon, seaweed and shellfish in Alaska. I started working on this as my internship in UAS’s Alaska Aquaculture Semester.

A big part of producing the podcast is finding sounds—sounds of salmon, seaweed and shellfish. As you might guess, none of those things are very noisy. Very quiet creatures, all three. But I’ll tell you one thing that isn’t quiet—the ocean. It’s loud.

So, I try to get sounds of labs, anchors being deployed, boat engines, farm machinery. I also record interviews and do some reporting but I really want to bump it up by having something else to listen than the human voice.

So anyway, in my quest for new ocean sounds. I wanted to record the sound of the ocean, but in the ocean. Underwater sounds. I have a GoPro, but it sounds terrible.

So, I read that if I take one of my many microphones and put it in an unlubricated condom, it would do the trick. They do make hydrophones—microphones that can go under water—but I already have a bunch of microphones. It seemed easier to just pop one in a dry condom.

Except there are no unlubricated condoms in Sitka, Alaska. I (self consciously) scoured the pharmacy, lowering my glasses as I peered at all the contraceptive packages, looking for that elusive word “unlubricated.” No luck.

I went into the gas station store, circled around the various aisles, past the red hot chips, the cigarette lighters, and surprisingly well stocked hygiene section. They had condoms but not my condoms. I made for the exit.

“Did you need help finding anything?”

“No, I didn’t see what I was looking for.”

“What are you looking for?”

“I’m trying to record some underwater sounds, so I was looking for an unlubricated condom to make a microphone waterproof.”

“Yeah, we don’t have those. Have you tried a balloon?”

“That’s a good idea, I think they might be too small.”

“Try a big balloon. Make sure it’s latex. Try the party store.”

“Thanks, I’ll try that.”

“Make sure it’s latex,” the cashier said.

I haven’t had a chance to try the party store, and for some reason I’m nervous about going into the store and asking to buy one large balloon.

But I was in the doctor’s office. And there they were. A whole bunch of free condoms. I couldn’t tell if they were non-lubricated. But those kind of condoms are cheaper right, and clinics are always trying to save here and there. I tell myself that there’s a good chance.

I walk up to the little box, there’s all sorts of sizes and colors—I could get one for each microphone! I can’t tell for sure though. I hold the package of one right up to my glasses, trying to read the fine print.

THE DOOR STARTS TO OPEN.

I jam the condom into my hand and try to act casual.

The doctor is here.

I’m self conscious, afraid of being seen scrutinizing a condom. I quickly pop it into my pocket.

When I get home, I look at the packaging and it’s lubricated. Is it possible to delubricate a condom?

I guess its off to the party store.